Strange Befores

Strange befores
Aftermath in hindsight

Nothing
In the middle
But transient space

Familiar voices
In my head
Speak about regrets

Strange face
Old pictures
A me long gone

Nothing
Holds the wave of sadness
Could have beens
No more

Familiar pain
Throbbing
A sad song humming
Hope rising

Stranger me
Holding on to dear life
In a life long gone
Until my me broke free

With nowhere to go
Transient space

All Edges

I am always all edges

Grating

Scratching

Upsetting

Not fitting in

I am always all edges

Saying the wrong things

Too much

Too straight

No filter

I am always all edges

Strong colours

Strong bones

Strong mind

Strong willed

I am always fighting

Windmills

Sometimes

Enemies

But they are mostly dead now

Sometimes

I wish

For a little bit

For a day or so

I could just blend in

Be a chameleon

Pretend I know how to hack this life thing

You cannot

You cannot cross the same river twice
You cannot go back to change regrets
You cannot predict where tomorrow carries you
You cannot know then what you know now
You cannot sing an unwritten song
You cannot feel when you are numb
You cannot hear over the noise in your mind
You cannot see what’s right in front of you
You cannot fix what’s meant to break
You cannot heal without looking in the mirror
You cannot run from yourself
You cannot flee your past either
You cannot do what you can’t
But can you do what you can?

Can you be you?

Sadness

When sadness is all you know

And in the morning you get up
And you try to find an inch of caring
And you paint on a smile
And you moisturize your frown
And you put on your armour
All black, all red, a stunning dress
Yoga pants and tunic
Anything, everything to hide behind

Do not see me–
Get distracted by my armour–please!

Do not see me–
As I fade into the background–please!

I can’t fade.
I am too much.
Too obvious.
Too present.
And then there are words faster than my brain tumbling out unsuspectedly.
So I hide.
Behind my armour of distraction.
Homemade–my silent prayers woven into the fabric.
Not even dragon claws could cut through.

So you carry the hills, the wood, the sea, within. Anchors in a wild wild world.

You might carry faith, belonging, love.
You might carry anger, pride, resentment.
Opposing mechanisms for the same purpose: To keep you save
In this wild wild world, from whom you need to hide your pain.

Life is like a fruit bowl

Life is like a fruit bowl
Something sweet
Something sour
Something bitter
Something bland
Something exotic

Something not yet ready
Something overripe
Like our want to ignore
Like our urge to thrive

And if we don’t take care
And don’t lift hidden fruit
Underneath of all that colour
It is going to rot

Lift things from the shadows
Hold them into the light
Even if they are sour
Or really hard to bite

Or else they will just fester
Or else they make you sick
The hidden fruit in shadow
The wounds that never healed

Empty Space

IMG_20160926_113506Fathers’ Day—25 Years On

The hubbub of empty rooms
The hullabaloo of music gone bye
That unbearable rage of silence

Your shadow walking across the courtyard
An ethereal body chopping wood
The echo of your smell when I hugged you
The intangible sensation of your love

I am grown up now
The resonance of conversations
Reverberate in an empty space of my heart

25 years on
The empty space is quieter now
The echoes shallower
The excruciating sound of silence
Muted by life going on

Scream

scream

Your cheer
…from the top of your lungs

scream

Your fear
…from the depth of your tum

scream

Your anger
…from the bottom of your heart

scream

Your grief
…from the ocean of your soul

scream!

scream!

scream!

scream!

And be alive.

And when you have run out of breath,
And when you have run out of bile,
And when you have run out of blood,
And when you have run out of tears,

scream

no more.

But listen

to the silence.

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