poetry and mixed media art
facsimile of sound
reverberating shadows
of empty days gone by
nights cried through
your smell
your arms
your warmth
your patience with my million questions
when you died
footsteps echoed
during bad nights
in my room
in mum’s room
Where you making the rounds?
Children leave deep imprints in your soul
No matter how long they were with you
Or if they only ever were:
could have beens,
almost theres,
come and gones
Their traces
Last forever
Alienated or empty nest
A wish unfulfilled
Or an attempt gone wrong
There are deep footprints
In an empty space
as opaque as the obsidian sea
and as deep
sometimes still
sometimes in waves
so massive, so strong they move the land
when grief holds reign
a tiny fishing boat
exposed to the elements
don’t try to steer
or you will capsize
Mourning
Time lost
Opportunities lost
My heart breaks
Every day
Watching you wait
I worry
Every day
That the sadness will take over
Engulf you too much
I am sad
For them
I know how no dad feels like
The echo is still painful
The border between
The three of you
Isn’t permanent
But it might as well be
The Mexican wall
Is her manipulation
As intangible as the other narcissist’s dream
But solid and prohibiting
All the same
They are lost on the other side
With no way to cross
Their covert and overt attempts
Scrambled
Under a gaslight burning so much oxigen
They can’t breathe anymore
Meanwhile you try to build wings
With duct tape so old it won’t hold anymore
Meanwhile you try to build a bridge
But the Lego bricks are brittle
Meanwhile you try to make a door
But the rusty hinges are jammed
You never know if they know
Off your attempts to scale the wall
You never know if they think
You abandoned them
That’s what’s on the propaganda channels
All day
All night
No matter how often they try to change the channel
They do not see your pain
They do not see your grief
They do not see your sadness
They do not see your broken hopes
The radio is too loud
There is some advertisement in-between the propaganda
Positive reinforcement with expensive presents
The media output is relentless
The words are vile
They cannot hear you hammer
They cannot hear you cry
When sadness is all you know
And in the morning you get up
And you try to find an inch of caring
And you paint on a smile
And you moisturize your frown
And you put on your armour
All black, all red, a stunning dress
Yoga pants and tunic
Anything, everything to hide behind
Do not see me–
Get distracted by my armour–please!
Do not see me–
As I fade into the background–please!
I can’t fade.
I am too much.
Too obvious.
Too present.
And then there are words faster than my brain tumbling out unsuspectedly.
So I hide.
Behind my armour of distraction.
Homemade–my silent prayers woven into the fabric.
Not even dragon claws could cut through.
So you carry the hills, the wood, the sea, within. Anchors in a wild wild world.
You might carry faith, belonging, love.
You might carry anger, pride, resentment.
Opposing mechanisms for the same purpose: To keep you save
In this wild wild world, from whom you need to hide your pain.
Every tear carrying with it an infinite amount of pain
All around you
Inside you
There is no escape
Just pain
And sadness
The girl with the bleeding feet
Red shoes swirling wildly
Towards the abyss
Every drop of blood carrying with it an infinite amount of sorrow
All around you
Inside you
There is no escape
Just sorrow
And grief
…
…
…
Are you out of tears yet?
…
…
…
Are you out of pain?
…
…
…
Are you out of sorrow?
Never, ever again?
…
…
…
Just stop being silly
It will never end
…
…
…
But there is a hug
And there is a talk
And there are friends
There are birds in the trees
And flowers in the grass
There are rays of sunshine on your skin
And grey days for cuddling in
So cry your tears
And scream your fears
And bleed your sorrow
But then tomorrow
You get up again
Grief is a very strange beast
Fighting you with tooth and claw
You fight back
Every fiber of your soul
On high alert
Eventually it sleeps
For while
For days
For weeks
For months
And then
One day
Â
You tamed it
And then
One day
You think you tamed it
You let your guard down
You don’t watch over your shoulder
And when you least expect it
And when it is most inopportune
It pounces
Claws stretched
Teeth exposed
Ripping open wounds
Barely closed over
Only to go to sleep again
Leaving you the aching pain of scars
For when the only way forward, is taking it minutes at a time.
Fathers’ Day—25 Years OnThe hubbub of empty rooms
The hullabaloo of music gone bye
That unbearable rage of silence
Your shadow walking across the courtyard
An ethereal body chopping wood
The echo of your smell when I hugged you
The intangible sensation of your love
I am grown up now
The resonance of conversations
Reverberate in an empty space of my heart
25 years on
The empty space is quieter now
The echoes shallower
The excruciating sound of silence
Muted by life going on
