Dad

facsimile of sound
reverberating shadows
of empty days gone by
nights cried through

your smell
your arms
your warmth
your patience with my million questions

when you died
footsteps echoed
during bad nights
in my room
in mum’s room

Where you making the rounds?

2 Dec 2019 0

Outer Hebrides: The children lost

Children leave deep imprints in your soul
No matter how long they were with you
Or if they only ever were:

could have beens,
almost theres,
come and gones

Their traces
Last forever

Alienated or empty nest
A wish unfulfilled
Or an attempt gone wrong

There are deep footprints
In an empty space

15 Aug 2019 0

Grief

as opaque as the obsidian sea
and as deep

sometimes still
sometimes in waves

so massive, so strong they move the land

when grief holds reign

a tiny fishing boat
exposed to the elements
don’t try to steer
or you will capsize

29 Jun 2019 0

The burden of love

23 Apr 2019 0

Mourning

Parental Alienation

Mourning
Time lost
Opportunities lost

My heart breaks
Every day
Watching you wait

I worry
Every day
That the sadness will take over
Engulf you too much

I am sad
For them
I know how no dad feels like
The echo is still painful

The border between
The three of you
Isn’t permanent
But it might as well be

The Mexican wall
Is her manipulation
As intangible as the other narcissist’s dream
But solid and prohibiting
All the same

They are lost on the other side
With no way to cross

Their covert and overt attempts
Scrambled
Under a gaslight burning so much oxigen
They can’t breathe anymore

Meanwhile you try to build wings
With duct tape so old it won’t hold anymore
Meanwhile you try to build a bridge
But the Lego bricks are brittle
Meanwhile you try to make a door
But the rusty hinges are jammed

You never know if they know
Off your attempts to scale the wall
You never know if they think
You abandoned them

That’s what’s on the propaganda channels
All day
All night
No matter how often they try to change the channel

They do not see your pain
They do not see your grief
They do not see your sadness
They do not see your broken hopes

The radio is too loud
There is some advertisement in-between the propaganda
Positive reinforcement with expensive presents
The media output is relentless
The words are vile

They cannot hear you hammer
They cannot hear you cry

1 Apr 2019 2

Sadness

When sadness is all you know

And in the morning you get up
And you try to find an inch of caring
And you paint on a smile
And you moisturize your frown
And you put on your armour
All black, all red, a stunning dress
Yoga pants and tunic
Anything, everything to hide behind

Do not see me–
Get distracted by my armour–please!

Do not see me–
As I fade into the background–please!

I can’t fade.
I am too much.
Too obvious.
Too present.
And then there are words faster than my brain tumbling out unsuspectedly.
So I hide.
Behind my armour of distraction.
Homemade–my silent prayers woven into the fabric.
Not even dragon claws could cut through.

So you carry the hills, the wood, the sea, within. Anchors in a wild wild world.

You might carry faith, belonging, love.
You might carry anger, pride, resentment.
Opposing mechanisms for the same purpose: To keep you save
In this wild wild world, from whom you need to hide your pain.